The Agony and the Education, Apologies and Gratitude

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to." - J.R.R. Tolkien


It is two weeks and a day from the marathon. I'm feeling unprepared because I haven't been able to run this week at all. Work has been stressful, and I've been working late - late enough to make running not an option or at least enough to be exhausting. Thankfully there are not a lot of duty days left between now and the big day.

I really still haven't faced the reality that I'm actually going to be running a marathon. It has been a long journey to get to this point and I think I expected to feel like a different person. The Miranda of February wasn't a Miranda that could run a marathon, but the Miranda that is sitting here on the couch doesn't feel any different. I still struggle with getting out to go and work out, and the challenges of running are still present.

I've learned a lot though. I've figured out what shoe size I wear -  a surprisingly mysterious number. I've learned that it is possible to have a toe that is all blisters, and then get more blisters on top of the original ones. I know what an iliotibial bands are, and that mine are constant complainers and are extremely high maintenance. I've gotten an idea of how often I need to re-energize on long runs, and I don't care what Nick thinks - vanilla bean Gu is freaking delicious. I've been inspired and humbled by the runners that I see on the lakefront every week, when a 60 year old woman, 80-ish year old man, 300lb person is there every Saturday running mile after mile it is hard to make excuses. For that matter I've decided that running is 90% mental. If you make the decision to get up and go, the battle is nearly won. It's the choice to make that first step out of bed and into your running clothes that is the hardest one of them all.  Most of all I've realized that first step is still hard and will likely always be hard, but I've also realized that once I make it I can accomplish more than I ever thought possible. One week ago today I ran 20 miles. 8 months ago I never would have believed that possible.

This journey hasn't been without sacrifice and it hasn't been my all my own. I owe so much to so many - both thank yous, and apologies. I'm sorry that throughout this arduous training I've drifted away from almost everyone in my social circle. I'm sorry that I'm not making my Autumn trip to Boston and will be missing so very much this year. I'm missing the wedding that I've been looking forward to for over 3 years now and I wish it was remotely possible to attend. I haven't and won't get to see one of my very best friends this year, and I miss him. I'm sorry to my body - you weren't ready and I've pushed you to the limit, you've held up so well, two more weeks - hang in there. I'm sorry to my husband, without whom I wouldn't have have the confidence to get this far. He's helped patch up my toes, rubbed out knots, cooked mounds of pasta, and wiped away so many tears. His own injury has slowed him down but not done anything to stem the tide of unwavering support. He's had confidence since the beginning, even when I had doubts.

I have so much gratitude that I might burst with it. I'm so grateful for my experience with Team in Training - I wouldn't have been able to train for this run without them. I can't thank enough to everyone who has donated to my my fundraiser - your support has been overwhelming and so appreciated. I'm planning a fun way to say thank you officially after the race. I'm thankful for everyone who has offered me advice, words of wisdom and reassuring words. I'm thankful beyond words that I've had such a support network from my athletics Alma Mater. Due to one special person, I've had fears put to rest, injuries treated and further ones prevented. I would not be here without you.

There are things to do and more miles to run before the big day, but pervasively, the reality of that this journey is nearing it's end is starting to enter my consciousness. I am simultaneously anxiously awaiting and fearing that day, both due to the magnitude of it but also because it marks the end of a really long and life-altering odyssey, and I don't fully know what is on the other side - hopefully a finish line. For now, however, I'm going to stay here in this moment and trust that these past 8 months have prepared me to take on this trial that I never could have imagined.


"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start"
- John Bingham

Hey there, Coppertop: A blog post about robots and gratitude.

One of my biggest faults is that I don't express gratitude or positive reinforcement very well. I've also gotten the feedback that I tend to be an emotional sponge - I am a pro at sucking up the emotions, concerns and thoughts of others, but when it comes time to actually share of myself in return the response is superficial and emotionless. This was a surprising critique for me to receive - I always feel the opposite, like I'm spouting out personal information and emotional explosions like a broken water main. I can't deny the consistent feedback however, and through self-reflection [god forbid it be reflection to someone else] I've come to realize that I'm a deflection motor mouth. I'll talk with you and express opinions about everything under the sun, I'll even rudely dominate the conversation out of sheer conversing excitement [I swear, it's not because I like to hear myself talk, I just love information], however if the conversation starts taking a personal direction, the questions will become about you, your life, your family - and I'll listen [and provide commentary]. Unless you are one of a very select group of people (N,P,N,M,B) I won't discuss my emotional state, how things have really affected me or what I fear. You might inquire, but without even realizing it I will deflect. I'm a death star with better Ben Kenobi prevention.

What does this have to do with gratitude and positive reinforcement you might ask? Saying thank you [in person] or telling someone they did a good job is awkward for me. Watch me do it [please, don't] sometime - it's almost as bad as watching me say good bye. Saying thank you and expressing gratitude is an out reach of emotion that I don't do very well. My 'good jobs' unless rehearsed come out worse than an absent father's pats on the back: "Good on ya.... uh.... buddy." In a job where I oversee many students who crave public emotional and positive reinforcement this doesn't go over very well.

Several recent events have led me to consider why bad things happen to good people and how my answer [because they do, and there is nothing you can do about it] means that we have to take advantage of every precious moment and get better at telling people that they have made an impact upon our lives. You really might not get another chance. So, in honor of this, I provide you below a list of things and people [by no means an exhaustive list] that I am thankful/grateful for. Throwing it out to the webz in general is a bit of a chicken shit way of expressing emotion and gratitude, but baby steps:

Things Miranda is Thankful For:

- My epic parents who have faced every health problem with grace and shown me how a loving couple can pull through anything. They fostered my love for reading, theater, travel and odd things. Thank you.

-My partner. Someone who loves me, cares for me, supports me, supports my insane ideas and stands guard against my insecurities, always reminding me that I can do anything - except say hi to every dog I meet on the street. He told me that was weird [It is NOT].

-The remaining list of people (P,N,M,B): you all bring something extremely special to my life. You are the rare besties (N/B) and siblings (P/M) that someone can go weeks or months without speaking to, but pick up literally, with every inside joke intact, where we left off. You four have supported me through it all with love and just the right amount of critical judgment.

- Our tiny, adorable, lovely apartment.

- Good health and high spirits, specifically the latter when one doesn't have the former.

- Working at a job where I am supported, encouraged, teased [bitches, you just don't get mah weirdness! It's awesome!] and challenged. Where everyone else works with professionalism [sometimes] and energy [always].

- The thrill of options for the future, and the privilege to have them.

- Traveling. Stay tuned for more exciting updates.

- Students who come in defensive and lower their own shields to have honest conversations with me

- My insane family, blood, marriage and by choice related. In your own way you teach me lessons every single day about good things and bad and how not to act. 90% of you are off your rockers, but you likely argue that about me as well.

- My marathon training, and all the lessons I've learned while putting one foot in front of the other for each mile I run. I'm learning patience, discipline, how to swallow my unhealthy amount of pride, how to commit to something and follow through, what body glide is and how it can save your life,  and most importantly, how to come in last with a smile.

- All of the people that I call friends.

- Coffee, elixir of the gods.

- Everyone who contributed to my studies of Judaism. I don't talk about this part of my education much, but it was one of the most impacting areas of study of my entire educational career.

- Ditto on the above with my Master's thesis. That bitch didn't write itself, and it certainly didn't come from me alone.

- Flan. Judge me.

- Living on State St in one of the best cities in the world. I wake up and look out our 17th floor window every morning and I don't think I'll ever get tired of this view or of telling people who ask, "Oh do you live around here?" "Yeah..... on this street, a few blocks that way."

- All the mentors who have provided reality checks and criticism.

- The opportunity I had to work in the food service industry - try it, it'll change your perspective on people and those who wait on you. Tip yo servers!

- The baby blanket I still have. JUDGE ME.

- Puppies. Big ones.

- You. For taking the time to read what I have to say when you likely had much better things to be doing. Thanks, yo.

To everyone I know fighting battles, I love you. Cancer's a bitch, Drunk Driving is dumb as hell, and infidelity sucks. But guess what - you're awesome. Really you are, and the best part about life sucking is eventually it gets better and easier. You're stronger than you know - and more loved than you could imagine.


How is that for an outpouring of emotion? I'm going to go robot my way through the rest of my day as I just expended my daily amount into one blog post. It wasn't as awkward as I thought.

Don't Sacrifice The Gift

In the event you feel that this post is telling you a tale but you missed the backstory, bravo - you are perceptive, Watson. This post is a part of a separate post that I have chosen to keep private for various reasons. With some edits, this excerpt was very public blog-worthy (and yes, the title is Pre inspired).


I have been doing some soul searching, a continuing work in progress. Along this winding stream of consciousness I have had a few thoughts float to the surface that I feel are important enough to hold onto.

I need to work on living in the moment, because right now I'm stressing out about a dream I have that is at least 2 years at the earliest away from any sort of valid attempt, and agonizing about perceived future complications has been giving me a headache. A lot can change in 2 years (I'm looking at you, grad school). I have never seriously made the attempt to alter my thought process from future forward to live in the moment. YOLO was an easy excuse to live in the moment and do stupid things when I was younger, even if we didn't have a fancy acronym and celebrity spokespeople for it. This time though, is different. This time I want to do this for me, to improve my life. Staying in the here and now will hopefully relieve some of my seemingly overwhelming anxieties about the future.

I have decided that a huge part of grounding myself in the here and now means becoming my best self in every aspect of this present life. The best Miranda I can be. I want to be the best at my job, not for advancement, just for mastery. I want to be the best member of my professional organizations - not for recognition, just for competence. I want to be the best wife I can be purely to keep our relationship healthy in all possible ways. I want to be in the best shape I can be to feel good about myself and to achieve short term goals for my fitness.

The question keeps up as a litany in my head "are you being the best you can be right now?" "is this making you the best, or tearing you down?" "are these thoughts productive?" That sort of thinking has some downsides, but I'm working to deal with that fallout as productively as possible.


I need to pack some of my future desperate desires and dreams away for a while, and focus on being me. The best me I can be.

The thoughts will still be there - but I have bigger plans at the moment. I know they wait patiently for me to return my attention back to them. All of my solutions and long term plans that I have developed in just 24 hours of attempting not to think about my dreams have been put on hiatus.

They're still with me, and they can wait.

Obligatory, and Honest

What do I want to do in this new year? It's easier to focus on this than the year gone past - one that at times was gloriously, deliriously happy - and at others just maddening and sad. While I described 2012 in the last post I attempted to write as one of extremes, I would have to admit it was one of balance. While life was out of kilter in many tragic ways, it was also a time of celebration and happiness.

So, 2013.

In the inspiration of this post, which I recommend you all read:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person_p2/

I'm going to say what I will accomplish in 2013, though, as that article says, everything in me fights improvement:

1. I will be a fluent speaker of German again 365 days from now.

2. I will run. I really can't say how fast or how far - but enough that I'll enjoy it once again.

3. I will take better care of my health.

4. I will spend time reflecting on what makes me a good wife - and work to live up to that.

5. We will travel out of this country, and we'll like it - damn it.

(I'll get a tattoo. Secret wish)

6. I will write more, and get published again at least once.

7. I will be better with things like paperwork and bills. I'll attempt to lose the crippling anxiety that comes with that type of organization.

8. I will hold a committee position in a professional development organization by the end of the year.

I think that's enough for now.

Happiest of new years to you all, and for the love of Mike - stop shooting fireworks off of your balconies in the Loop. It's rather unnerving to see explosions at the 17th floor.

Hope, always.