First, thank you for the trust you have placed in me, and in our institution. You have provided us with the faith that we will do right by your child. Without stating it I also understand that [most of] you are placing the trust that we will shelter them, keep them safe, keep them healthy and even happy.
Did you ever truly consider how tall an order that is? I reflect back upon my young life, prior to full time work, grad school, college, and know for a fact that was an order that couldn't have been fulfilled by my own parents at all times. Sometimes I stayed up too late (reading, I was a nerd), didn't do my homework, sobbed over breakups, and even watched heartbroken as my family stability crumbled around me due to life threatening illnesses of one kind or another.
I have come to understand over my career in higher education that the wild eyed fear that exists in a parent's eyes as they drop their student off that first day is the terror of the unknown, of not being sure that the lessons have been heard, of worrying that your 18 or so years of parenting will not have been enough to prepare them for this upcoming trial.
And so, you turn to me: the adult in the room. However, a huge thank you to the kind few who look at me and mistake me for a student on move in day - bless your souls. My supervisor always likes to reassure parents on this particular day that "Your students have heard your lessons", and some of them have. Some will actively attempt to dump all that information out the minute your car pulls off, while others will valiantly cling to their convictions at times to the detriment of the acceptance of new ideas, people, or paths. Your student may surprise you at where they fall along this spectrum.
The only constant that can be expected is that they are going to make mistakes. Sometimes they will be little mistakes, like sleeping through class, and other times they will be big mistakes that they may be too ashamed to ever tell you about. That, my dear parents, is often where I come in. I get to see your students at their worst - that's my job. When they violate policies, they meet with me. I get to see them combative, angry, frustrated, sad, clueless, arrogant, manipulative, rude, scared, terrified. What makes me enjoy my job is my ability to see the good in the child that you raised, and to see their actions as mistakes. I always tell them, "this moment may be a defining one, but it doesn't have to define you".
I wish I could write this letter to new parents - and maybe some day I will, but the moments that I see them at their worst is when I get to tease out the type of parenting style with which they were raised. Did you solve all their problems? Did they get everything they ever wanted? Have you always risen up and defended their every action? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, they are about to get a very rude, "welcome to the world" when they sit down in my office. I had a girl burst into tears once when I told her that I couldn't get her a single room:
"No?" she asked, incredulously.
"You don't hear that very often.... do you?" I replied, one eyebrow cocked skyward.
"No..... my mother never tells me no." she stated shakily.
"....Welcome to the rest of your life."
I spent ten minutes after that getting her to stop crying.
The point of that little anecdote is that for better or for worse, you are their parents/guardians, and your style will come out in how they respond to an authority figure, how they treat their roommate, and how they deal with stress. This letter is coming to you too late, Freshman Parents, for me to provide pointers and bits of advice on how to best prepare them, however. That will be for another day. What we're focused on here now is what you can do in the moment, what you can do when you're worried, when they scare you, when they won't call, when you are angry at me. What do you do?
My Freshman Parent How-To, Some Hard Truths and Caring Pointers:
1. If you want to talk to school officials about your student, learn about FERPA, and talk with your student about signing a form. This is, however, your student's choice. If they don't want me talking to you, I won't. I don't care who pays the bills. Take that up with them.
2. I don't care what you think, getting involved in your student's disagreements with their roommate is always a bad idea. You can support your student, but please, don't intervene. We've got roommate meditations for that.
3. Have a conversation with your student about the nature of the internet. The things they write, post, blog, snap, tweet, whatever, are a part of public domain - and those words thrown out their about "Imma beat the shiiiiit outa mah roomie!1!" are not private, and can be considered violations of our electronic harassment policy.
4. I understand - this is your child, your baby. Your most precious part of life. I watch over 1750 precious individuals every day, and that doesn't make any of them less special, it just means that I'm not going to individually bend the rules or provide special treatment to the one that you consider 'yours'.
5. If they don't call after 24 hours it doesn't mean they are dead in the ditch, it likely means they are still sleeping. If you ask us to check on them - we will, but depending on protocol we may not update you on their condition. Protip: if we see them during this wellness check, I guarantee, we do ask them to CALL THEIR MOTHER.
6. Some schools will call you if your student is admitted to the hospital - some won't. Often times the ones that do, do so as a courtesy, not as an obligation. So, when your cherub is transported to the hospital for alcohol poisoning (or regular old illness), you might not find out. This is where open communication with your student comes in. Talk about situations like this before they happen - it will cause your student so much less anxiety in the moment and I'll have a lot less tear-filled "don't tell my parents!!!" to deal with.
7. Speaking of open conversation: Sex, Drugs, Booze, and everything else under the sun. That's what your student may run into. Contrary to popular media, not all of them will get into everything, but the ones who have had the opportunity to reflect upon the effects, and why they might or might not want to use or do X, Y and Z are a lot more likely to be responsible about it. Trust me. This is one time to steer the conversation away from abstinence, and towards intelligent decision making.
8. Speaking of sex: Talk to your female AND male students about sexual assault. Talk about consent, and how important it is, and that silence does NOT. MEAN. YES. You may not want to think about them having sex, but you need to make sure they know that sexual assault happens, that you want to be able to have open conversations about their experiences should they so choose. There is nothing more heartbreaking than to sit with a sexual assault survior and have them say, "My parents can never know. They will never understand."
9. Student Conduct (Judicial) Process - you should be asking about this. Basically - what happens when your student makes one of those mistakes mentioned above? Do you get notified? Whom do they meet with? (Me!) What are plausible outcomes in typical situations?
10. Know the campus climate - the Clery Act was signed into law in 1990 and it requires all campuses to publish an annual report about the criminal activity that has happened in the year-to-date. This will help you know what is going on around campus.
11. Strongly encourage your student to at least know the resources available to them on campus, specifically the location of and how to utilize any health services, counseling center, and any sexual assault crisis services. Hopefully this knowledge will be as useless and unnecessary as the stuff they crammed in for last weeks geology exam - but it will be indispensable if they need it.
12. Talk to your student about how to respond to authority figures - specifically in confrontational situations. As I always say - volume never solved any argument. There is always an outlet for complaints if they don't like how situations are handled, they should utilize a proper form of complaint.
13. No matter how much you wish it - sometimes they aren't ready to be away at school. Returning home may seem like a setback, but it actually might be a step in the right direction. They're already beating themselves up - give them a hug, let them know it will be okay, and that after they spend a few days licking their wounds you expect to talk about a game plan.
14. When they come home on break, don't comment on the new hair color, piercing or even a new tattoo. They are, like it or not, an adult now, choosing to do what they wish to their body. You have hopefully taught them that their body is their own, they should respect it, and let no one else disrespect it. This is the current method of expressing themselves - with hope it won't be too permanent (credit for this one goes to my supervisor).
15. I'm here to be your partner, not your adversary. We may not agree, but I want what is best for both the community and your student. Sometimes it may seem like those two are in conflict, but at the end of the day, I promise you - I do care for your student. So much so, that I will make sure they see that their actions have consequences, and will hold them to those consequences.
16. Encourage your student to read our policies and procedures. It's not a bad idea for you to do so either - but it really shouldn't be just you reading and spouting the information back to your student.
I'm sure I will think of more, but this is getting long enough already. At the end of the day, I care for your student. I want them to succeed. At times they can be their own worst enemy, and while I won't fix things for them, I will give them the opportunity to fix things for themselves. It's up to them to decide what they want. That's the scary part - giving them the choice. Some will spurn the hand that is offered, while others will use it to lift themselves out of what might be the most difficult part of their lives thus far. We'll provide the roof, the food (sometimes) and even the resources. I always hope that the happiness, the friendships, and the endlessly fun college memories will follow.
When those memories are not so fun, though, I'll be here.
Your trust is well placed - but really in the end, you aren't placing that trust in me. I think we both know that you're placing your trust in them, your student. It's just really scary to admit it.
--
A Student Conduct Officer who cares deeply for the child you are sending my way
9. Student Conduct (Judicial) Process - you should be asking about this. Basically - what happens when your student makes one of those mistakes mentioned above? Do you get notified? Whom do they meet with? (Me!) What are plausible outcomes in typical situations?
10. Know the campus climate - the Clery Act was signed into law in 1990 and it requires all campuses to publish an annual report about the criminal activity that has happened in the year-to-date. This will help you know what is going on around campus.
11. Strongly encourage your student to at least know the resources available to them on campus, specifically the location of and how to utilize any health services, counseling center, and any sexual assault crisis services. Hopefully this knowledge will be as useless and unnecessary as the stuff they crammed in for last weeks geology exam - but it will be indispensable if they need it.
12. Talk to your student about how to respond to authority figures - specifically in confrontational situations. As I always say - volume never solved any argument. There is always an outlet for complaints if they don't like how situations are handled, they should utilize a proper form of complaint.
13. No matter how much you wish it - sometimes they aren't ready to be away at school. Returning home may seem like a setback, but it actually might be a step in the right direction. They're already beating themselves up - give them a hug, let them know it will be okay, and that after they spend a few days licking their wounds you expect to talk about a game plan.
14. When they come home on break, don't comment on the new hair color, piercing or even a new tattoo. They are, like it or not, an adult now, choosing to do what they wish to their body. You have hopefully taught them that their body is their own, they should respect it, and let no one else disrespect it. This is the current method of expressing themselves - with hope it won't be too permanent (credit for this one goes to my supervisor).
15. I'm here to be your partner, not your adversary. We may not agree, but I want what is best for both the community and your student. Sometimes it may seem like those two are in conflict, but at the end of the day, I promise you - I do care for your student. So much so, that I will make sure they see that their actions have consequences, and will hold them to those consequences.
16. Encourage your student to read our policies and procedures. It's not a bad idea for you to do so either - but it really shouldn't be just you reading and spouting the information back to your student.
I'm sure I will think of more, but this is getting long enough already. At the end of the day, I care for your student. I want them to succeed. At times they can be their own worst enemy, and while I won't fix things for them, I will give them the opportunity to fix things for themselves. It's up to them to decide what they want. That's the scary part - giving them the choice. Some will spurn the hand that is offered, while others will use it to lift themselves out of what might be the most difficult part of their lives thus far. We'll provide the roof, the food (sometimes) and even the resources. I always hope that the happiness, the friendships, and the endlessly fun college memories will follow.
When those memories are not so fun, though, I'll be here.
Your trust is well placed - but really in the end, you aren't placing that trust in me. I think we both know that you're placing your trust in them, your student. It's just really scary to admit it.
--
A Student Conduct Officer who cares deeply for the child you are sending my way
