Last night I had a horrifying dream. I was reasonably prepared to have vivid images in my head as I slept because I had gone to bed early, done some form of physical activity that day, taken some meletonin to help me get to sleep, and was going to get a solid and very much needed 10 hours. All of that in my world is a recipe for my trademark realistic dreams. When they are good dreams I have to do all I can not to smash my phone against the wall when my alarm goes off - Tropical beach? Yes, please. Magical flying super powers? Hell yes! Benedict Cumberbatch? Thank you, more please.
However, they aren't always nice dreams and unfortunately when they are bad ones they are just as, if not more, realistic.
Last night in my dream I was sexually assaulted by someone I know. While that in and of itself should be enough to be ranked as top tier nightmare, the worst part of the dream was yet to come. That, time-wise, played a relatively small part - he took me by surprise, it happened swiftly, and it became a fight once dream-me got over my shock of what was happening.
He was enraged at my reaction and after a swift but violent fight that followed I escaped and he began chasing me. We were in a relatively public place that was, as it turned out, packed with people that I know. It turned into one of those clawing fighting biting trying to get away moving through mud kind of dreams. As I passed these people that I knew I was sobbing, trying to explain what happened as he was trying to drag me backwards, intent on retribution. They stared at me with blank faces and patronizing glances - "Why are you being so dramatic, why are you causing a scene? What are you talking about? Him? He's a nice guy! You slept with him? Lucky!" On top of all of that because this wasn't reality, once I eluded my attacker I could still hear him, both speaking to me, "You're worthless, you wanted it" and speaking to other people, "What a bitch - I give her some and she has the gall to say she didn't want it?" And so on, for the majority of the rest of my dream.
Waking up meant an escape from the situation, but the memory of the crushing feelings of despair, shame, and anger at those around me whom I thought I could trust, remained - along with the realization that this will probably be one of the most realistic dreams that I ever have. Every day survivors of sexual assault face this type of disbelief, lack of support and shaming that I experienced in dream-form. Their responses, their actions, the fight they did or did not put up, how they were dressed, the prior relationship they had with their attacker all will be laid bare to be picked over like a carcass on the side of the road. They will be charged as guilty of wanting it until all signs point to a struggle, a protest, of fitting into a 10 item checklist of "how victims should react". Often it is only then that they have even the hope of being taken seriously, of having their needs met, of being told, "it wasn't your fault."
I, as someone who has assisted with sexual assault investigations in the past, am not saying that every report must be immediately taken at face value with no further inquiry - rights extend to both the survivor and the accused. But we need to start checking our biases and disbelief, especially if we are not the investigator. We must learn to offer nonjudgmental, non-accusatory support. Anything else will compound and exacerbate an already unimaginable pain.
The end of my story, my dream, is that I woke up. I had the opportunity to wake up from the simulacrum of a nightmare that so many others must live everyday without hope of an alarm clock to bring them out. I have the luxury of leaving this experience behind, because truly - it didn't really exist for me. I'll be reflecting on this dream for a long time and I think we all need to reflect on how we feed into victim blaming and rape culture every day. It isn't fun to think about, but to live the reality - of which I only experienced in the world of a dream - is hell. We must spend time thinking about how we as bystanders, family, and friends can serve as supporters - not contributing monsters to the nightmare that some live day in, day out, waking and asleep. We have to do better.
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