A lie has been pereptrated amongst the youth of industrial society. I'm speaking in the sense of the 1st world - those in the 2nd and 3rd have their own interpretations. For the sake of my context I'm going to stick mostly to english speaking 1st world societies - Lord knows I don't have time to do background research on anything else (or, full disclosure, the interest). Onto my ruminations.
The lie that I emphatically speak of has to do with relationships and commitment, be that marriage, common law or just the fact that you've been together so long that you're just too lazy to search out someone else.
The lie: "You will find the One."
What an intriguing, confusing and manipulating concept. Clearly it states that somewhere out there is the half to make me whole, the cheese to my macaroni or whatever else the kids are saying these days. It means that there is a PERSON that I'm destined to be with. It's been written in the stars, a bell will sound and when we find each other life will make sense as we collide in a shower of fireworks and attracted-to-each-other sparks. We'll know that this is it - we've found the person we're going to spend the rest of our life annoying.
I'm calling bullshit.
The one? The ONE?! Excuse my gales of laughter. If this was the case, and a there was a one for every person.... Knowing the type of person that I am, I would have second guessed 'IS THIS THE ONE?!?!?!"sixty bajillion times, and never would have gotten married. I'd have been too concerned about making the wrong choice.
To be honest, however -I worried about that for a long time. I have friends that have told me that the knew immediately that they wanted to marry their significant other. They met, they talked, they swapped spit, and apparently that was that. 48 hours later they had given up every other avenue of pursuit. Other guys or girls? Shut down! They'd found the ONE!
I don't get it and I never have. 48 hours, are you kidding me? To be as honest a blogger as possible, I need to tell you that I mentally placed my first name with the last name of every guy I've ever even briefly dated - let me tell you how ridiculous 98% of them sounded. HOWEVER - that didn't mean I ever wanted to get hitched. After a bad break up in my late teens I decided that I was settling on nothing but the best and even made out a detailed list describing the things that I would prefer a perfect guy to bring to the table.
Now, I'm married (and still slightly surprised by the concept), so something had to have worked out. That something however didn't come easily and it cost the both of us quite a bit. The "Price of Admission" as Dan Savage of Savage Love in his letters and podcast would call it. There have been sacrifices, we have hurt each other, we have been confused and angry and furious and downright pissed off. That, just going off of Webster's, is not perfection.
However. We love each other. We seek strength in the other when we are weak, we organize what is crazy, we clean what is messy, we shake up what is stagnant and we push, push, push, each other out of our comfort zones.
This wasn't obtained by some magic immediate connection. This wasn't fostered due to the fact that we were 'meant' to be together. This worked because at the end of the days, against all of the long odds and obstacles stacked against us we looked at each other's baggage, family, passions, life and loves and said, "I can dig it."
Can you dig it? The important part is that it has to be a two way street of DISCOVERY. Not immediate passion or lust - though those will lead to some incredible fun for a while. - but the solidness that comes after some digging. Do they know you? Do you know them? Fears. loves, hates, joys. family, friends, meaningful moments and places, meaningful holidays; what are they, and why?
I will always believe in attraction at first sight. That can hit you anywhere - married or single, from across a crowded bar. The important part is how you respond to it. Is this forever, or the next five minutes? Are you willing to take that chance?
So often I hear people talk about the person that is in store for the, the person that is out there - apparently waiting patiently just for them. As much as I would like to be as selfish as to believe that my husband was constructed just for me - I don't believe that and I can't. What I can believe is that through each obstacle we have encountered we have had the ability to either deal with it together, or to talk it over after the fact. We tear it apart and wade through the mess until we reach an understanding and forgiveness. We make each other laugh more that we frustrate the other and as far as I know both of us really like having the other around. At the same time, in the darkest parts of my brain, I have thought - could I have been happy if my life had taken a different turn? If I had married someone else?
The answer to that question is yes. Had my life been completely different, I still would have found different ways to be happy. This life however, that I live now, is one I'm grateful for. This IS my happy.
That lie of 'The One' in my opinion is damaging. It allows us complacency in our efforts and puts the blame elsewhere. "The universe will provide for me" "My deity has something in store for my life". Please don't thing I am using this to belittle any religious belief - but I feel it is time to get away from the concept of "The One" being apart of the nebulous ether that exists beyond ourselves, and realizing "The One" that we are waiting for, The One that will love us unconditionally and always support us......... is ourselves. You can have no love for someone else before you love and take care of yourself. Being happy in oneself means you exude that happiness onto others - and they want to be a part of that.
It may not be the answer to all the questions, but being able to love yourself means that you can finally provide full love to others. Look at you, take care of you, focus on you. The rest will be gravy.
Just rambling thoughts.
Merry Christmas, to all of you.
(Extra points to anyone who gets my usage of 'bells' in reference to finding "The One. Facebook me and let me know what you think and I'll shower you with adoration and a celebratory shout out in my next post.)
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